


Stuck Between Two Worlds

by hannahfanficrobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Advice, Character Death, Ghosts, Loss, M/M, Moving On, Supernatural Elements, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-15 19:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8070601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahfanficrobron/pseuds/hannahfanficrobron
Summary: From a prompt, hope I do your idea justice! Supernatural / ghost elements here.What if Robert dies in a car crash, but his spirit is unable to let go of Aaron, his soul mate. He needs to talk to him before truly moving on, but how? (I hate summaries!)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Robron101](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robron101/gifts).



 

Robert woke slowly, his eyes coming to focus on a very white, very clean ceiling that he didn’t recognise. The second thing he noticed was that he wasn’t in pain. Most of the time his chest ached a little, a remnant from the gunshot wound. Never too bad, always easy enough to push to the back of his mind, but that didn’t hurt at the moment. Moving his hand to cover the old injury, he noticed that he’s dressed in his jeans, a button up shirt and his old leather jacket. Something’s wrong. He can’t remember what he’d been doing, or how he got here. He swung his legs off the bed, looking around the box room. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say it was a hospital room. Except for the silence. The machinery wasn’t connected to anything, the lights and beeps he expected to be there weren’t.

He felt his pockets for his phone but he couldn’t find it. Robert didn’t travel anywhere without his phone, and to not have it left him feeling disorientated. Especially waking up in a strange place, he wanted to call Aaron, ask him what the hell was going on. Now that had failed, he left his silent almost but not quite hospital room into the corridor.

Robert felt shocked at the quiet and the lack of people. Over the years, he’d spent a lot of time in hospitals and usually they were bustling. Nurses, paramedics, everyone always rushing to be somewhere. But the building was empty and silent, not even a nurse behind the reception desk. Robert had come to the conclusion that he had to be in a hospital despite the lack of activity. No other building looked like this. God, he wished he’d got his phone with him, ask someone what was going on.

“Son.” Robert turned around quickly at the horribly familiar voice, freezing at what he saw. His father, standing there clear as day, walking towards him. Still with his hat on, the one that he always wore that Robert could scarcely imagine him without.

“No, stay away from me,” Robert said, holding his hands out as if to stop Jack’s progress. “You… you’re dead, I’m hallucinating. That must be the reason for all this."

“Robert, listen to me,” Jack said with a lot more patience than he’d ever shown when Robert was a kid. Definitely a hallucination then.

“No. You’re dead,” Robert said bluntly.

“Yes,” Jack said. “Afraid so.” It was the sympathetic look on his fathers face that confused him and Robert started spluttering, not sure what to say. He hated that kind of behaviour, normally he liked to be in control. “You don’t remember the car?” Jack said quietly.

“What car?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Jack asked. Robert thought back. It was all blurry and he couldn’t reasonably grasp onto a memory he was sure of. It took a minute for him to answer.

“I was driving Liv to school,” Robert said eventually. “She’d missed the bus, again, and I drove her to school.”

“Don’t remember what happened on the way back to the village?” Jack pressed.

“No!” Robert shouted, losing his patience. “If you’re a… an hallucination, you’re doing a bad job of it right now.”

“I’m not anything,” Jack said. “I’m here for you.”

“Talk sense,” Robert said, losing his patience. “What’s going on? Why am I in an empty hospital?”

“Another car ran straight into yours,” Jack said, trying to speak softly. But then, he’d never really had that talent of breaking bad news gently. “You flat lined on the way to the hospital. They couldn’t bring you back, Robert. You’re gone.”

“You what?” Robert said, feeling the ridiculous urge to laugh. “You’re having me on.”

“How else could you see me?”

“Oh, so what’re you here for, then?” Robert asked, still not taking this seriously. Apparently he had a very twisted subconscious.

“To help you move on,” Jack said.

“Move on to what?”

“Follow me and find out,” Jack said. “Come on, son.”

“No,” Robert said bluntly. “You’re out of your mind. I just need to find a phone, call Aaron and he’ll get me out of this.”

“Robert, if you don’t believe me, that’s fine,” Jack said. “I’ll be here for as long as you need. But try and find your pulse. That’s a bit of a give away.”

Reluctant to do it, but curiosity getting the better of him, Robert put his fingertips to his opposite wrist. Nothing. It was the weirdest sensation, trying to find his heart beat and failing. He was moving, breathing, of course he had a heart beat. He pinched his arm hard, attempting to wake up from whatever twisted dream he was having. All it served to do was create a throbbing pain which wasn’t helpful.

“Look, I can’t be…” Robert struggled to voice the word “dead.“ As if saying it would make it true. “It’s impossible. I’m far too young, I’ve got a life to live. It’s not happening.”

“It’s hard to accept, I know,” Jack said. Robert shook his head, not wanting this supportive Jack, almost preferring the shouting matches to this. At least back then he’d known where he’d stood and what to expect. He felt like he’d been completely wrong footed now, the too clean hospital, the too wrong mirage of his father in front of him. “You always were stubborn,” Jack said fondly. That irritated Robert even more. He’d reached his limit and left Jack, searching for an exit, any exit to this damn hospital would do. Luckily, Jack didn’t choose to follow him as Robert jogged, following the glowing green emergency exit signs. He finally found a door, opened it, feeling the brief fresh air against his face before the world whited out. He opened his eyes, finding himself back in the hospital room he’d woken up in, Jack sitting by the window.

“I did try to tell you,” Jack said, the warning in his voice. “Running won’t help.”

“Fine, say I believe you,” Robert said, getting out of bed again. “Say that I’m really… dead.” His throat felt thick just saying the word, letting it pass his lips. “What about Aaron? I can’t leave him, I need to see him.”

“Not an option,” Jack said simply. Robert scoffed. “Think, Robert. Try and remember the car crash. it’ll help you to believe me.” Robert tried, but he couldn’t see it. Could see dropping Liv off at school, but nothing after that. It’d been a normal, boring day. He’d been going to the scrap yard, talk to Aaron, apologise for letting them all oversleep by switching the alarm off. Then he felt it. The crunching of metal. The incredible force pulling him from the car seat. The loud horn beeping as he passed out.

“Oh,” Jack said. “It’s coming back to you.” Robert ignored this. “Isn’t it?”

“I can’t be here,” Robert said. “So… give me some way to get out of this, and go home.”

“You can’t,” Jack said. “You’ll stay here until you decide you can move on. Let go and move to what comes next.”

“That easy?” Robert scoffed.

“I never said it was easy,” Jack said. “It’s even harder to let go when you’ve not finished everything you wanted to do.”

“Dad, don’t,” Robert said. “I need to see Aaron before I even think about doing anything else.”

“It won’t help you,” Jack warned.

“Have you got a way, yes or no?” Robert snapped.

“Well… yes,” Jack said. “But once you see him, you won’t want to leave,” he warned.

“I don’t care, I need to see him.”

“You will regret this,” Jack said.

“There’s the dad I remember,” Robert said. “Always thinking he knew best.” There was no denying it, Jack’s eyes sparkled with amusement, and Robert’s lips twitched with a smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments on this! Hope it's continued to be enjoyed! x

Robert held Jack’s arm, blinking as he opened his eyes in his own house. He stood in the kitchen, but it had the sense of being abandoned, still, almost stale air around him. Dishes pilled high in the sink, a heap of unopened post on the table, which Robert briefly rifled through. The usual bills and junk mail, with a few hand written, and even hand delivered envelopes. He opened them impatiently and felt his heart drop. They were all “with sympathy” cards, or deepest condolences cards. Robert put them back and moved to the fridge and opened it, seeing that it was completely empty. It didn’t take a genius to work out that something bad had happened here.

“How long?” Robert asked his father who was standing in the corner. “How long’ve I been…” Robert couldn’t finish that sentence. He couldn’t admit the possibility, not yet.

“About ten days,” Jack said. “You “woke up” when it was your funeral.”

“This is crazy,” Robert said. “I’m not dead. Of course I’m not.” Robert took in a deep breath, trying to wrap his mind around it. “Why am I here? I wanted to see Aaron, it’s clear he’s not here.” Robert was so sure because of the stillness. Wherever Aaron went, there was usually noise, Aaron was an untidy person, always losing his things, grumbling, very heavy footed.

“He’s upstairs,” Jack said. Robert hurried up to their bedroom, walking through the open door. Aaron lay curled into a ball on the bed, as still and immobile as Robert had ever seen him.

“Hey,” Robert said softly, walking towards him. “Hey, it’s all right, I’m here.”

“He can’t hear you,” Jack said from the doorway.

“Shut up,” Robert hissed. He crouched at the side of the bed, looking into Aaron’s face. He looked red and blotchy, almost beyond tears, his eyes staring into the distance, unfocused.

“Aaron, come on, I’m here.” He might as well not have spoken for the effect it had. He reached out to cradle Aaron’s face, but he couldn’t touch him. It was as if his fingers just faded through him. Like he was as insubstantial as air. “What…” Robert muttered, trying to touch him again. He couldn’t, his hand simply passed through Aaron as if he wasn’t there.

“Please, I need to touch you.” Robert didn’t know who he was begging, but the need to hold Aaron was potent.

Aaron shifted on the bed, rubbing his hand over his face in agitation, the gesture so familiar to him it made Robert ache. “You’re okay. You’re fine,” Robert tried again. No effect at all.

“Love?” Both Robert and Aaron looked at the bedroom door, hearing Chas coming up the stairs. She walked into the bedroom, looking around before her eyes settled on Aaron with sympathy. “Oh, love, you have to get up,” she pleaded.

“No,” Aaron said, curling into a tighter ball on the bed.

“You think Robert would want this?”

“Mum, go away,” Aaron said, his voice so quiet it broke Robert’s heart.

“Aaron, you need to eat,” Chas continued, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’ve got your favourite downstairs. Bacon sandwiches, I know you love them.”

“Don’t want to move,” Aaron murmured.

“Right, I can do this one of two ways,” Chas started, her no nonsense tone returning. “I can beg and plead for you to eat, or I can tell you that you are going to eat now and drag you down to the kitchen.”

“Mum…”

“Aaron, you NEED to eat,” Chas reiterated. “Or do I have to get Cain round here?”

“All right, all right,” Aaron said as the scent of bacon reached him. Even Robert could hear his stomach rumbling and he wondered how long it’d been since he’d had a proper meal. Aaron got out of bed, and for the first time Robert noticed that he’d been curled around one of Robert’s shirts. Aaron almost reverently folded his shirt up, placing it on his pillow before going downstairs, his eyes still a little unfocused. If Robert hadn’t known any better, he’d have said Aaron was drunk. They heard Aaron’s heavy footsteps going down the stairs and Chas shook her head in the (apparently) empty bedroom.

“Damn you, Robert Sugden,” she said to herself. “Why’d you have to leave him?” Chas followed Aaron down the stairs, leaving Robert and Jack alone.

“So I’m really… dead?” Robert questioned, perching on the edge of the bed.

“Yes,” Jack said. “Are you ready to move on? You’ve seen him.”

“You’ve seen him!” Robert countered. “Look at the state he’s in! I can’t possibly leave him. Not until he’s okay.”

“Robert, you can’t stay here forever,” Jack said. “I’ve got to warn you, this won’t be able to go on indefinitely,” Jack said. “The longer you stay here, in the gap between, the more you risk damaging your soul. At some point you need to move on, leave him behind. Otherwise it‘ll be too late, and there‘ll be nothing left of you. And it‘ll make it harder for Aaron to let you go, too.”

“Fine,” Robert said impatiently. “At some point. But not now, I can’t leave Aaron, he’s not even eating apparently. And where’s Liv?”

“She’s having a few days with her mum,” Jack said. “While Aaron “pulls himself together.””

“God, this is all a mess,” Robert said, shaking his head. "I can't even touch him or talk to him."

"Because you don't exist," Jack said, trying for gentle but it just wound Robert up. "Not any more, you don't belong here."

“I can’t leave him,” Robert repeated.

“I know you don’t want to…”

“No, I can’t,” Robert said forcefully. “Go away, dad. Leave me alone.” Jack did, vanishing in an instant, leaving Robert truly alone. He looked around his and Aaron’s bedroom, trying to see things that were different, or out of place. Nothing screamed out at him, except when he turned to their wardrobe. It was much more organised than it used to be. Aaron was messy and it had always wound Robert up, their clothes getting mixed up, creased and tossed casually in the wardrobe. But now everything was strangely organised, all in it’s proper place. It hadn’t been like that since they’d moved in.

Otherwise, everything was as it should be. Nothing had moved. Even the sheets on the bed were the same. He couldn’t stay in this place without Aaron, with him so hurt, so he went downstairs to find Aaron at the kitchen table, Chas at the oven. Aaron had an empty plate in front of him, once he’d started eating he couldn’t stop. Aaron never had functioned well without food, and Robert almost smiled, seeing Chas frying the bacon, but then his eyes returned to Aaron, hunched over and… almost trying to hold onto his pain. Robert longed to talk to him, to touch him, to tell him it’d all be okay. But he couldn’t, and the hopelessness filled him completely.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a great plan yesterday, to sit writing all day, plotting out this story. Unfortunately fate decided I needed to be wrapped up in bed moaning in pain, so I'm well behind what I should be. Anyhoo, hope you enjoy this and I'll try not to be too delayed between chapters. Warning for self harm, which should be contained to this chapter if it's triggering for anyone.

  
Robert found that in this form, this… in between ish state (he refused to even think the word ghost) that he couldn’t leave their house. Which was fine with him because Aaron wasn’t leaving the house either, and Robert wanted to be with him as much as possible. He couldn’t speak to him, or touch him, but he could look and make sure that Aaron was okay. Though… he was about as far from okay as it was possible to be. 

Robert could see the concern in friends and families faces whenever they came to visit. Paddy, Chas, Adam, even Victoria and Cain came by with food parcels, trying to speak to Aaron, but he wasn’t having it. Aaron would only grunt before forcing some food down him to keep his guest happy before returning to bed, curling up with another of Robert’s shirts, shirts that had to be more for comfort than anything else because they couldn’t still smell like Robert by now. His behaviour was starting to concern even Robert, because even though he could do nothing, he knew Aaron’s behaviour wasn’t healthy. While a small part of Robert was privately flattered that Aaron simply couldn’t let him go, it hurt Robert immensely to see how much Aaron was shutting the world out. It wasn’t healthy and if things carried on this way, he’d end up dying in this bedroom without ever getting fresh air. He hadn’t even called Liv to see how she was doing, which hurt Robert immensely. She was such a huge part of their lives and Aaron had just cast her aside without even calling once. Simply wallowing in his own grief.

After a few days around the house, Robert realised he could touch objects, he could move things but not touch people. Which felt like exactly the wrong way around because he longed to touch Aaron more than anything else in the world, to comfort him and tell him it’d be all right. And failing that, tell him to get out and go for a walk. Robert had a usual place on Aaron’s bed, as close to him as he could get, mirroring his position, keeping just enough space between them so they couldn’t touch. Seeing his fingers drift through Aaron’s body, like he wasn’t there felt awful, worse than if he’d never tried to touch him at all. He’d thought about writing something down for Aaron to find, but had no idea what he’d say. _I’m your boyfriend who’s haunting you, I think it might be a good idea if you started living your life again._ Even in his head it sounded ridiculous, Aaron would think he’s losing his mind. Though it might persuade him to get help… No, Robert thought. He couldn’t do it to him.

“Are you ready to leave?” Robert looked up from the edge of the bed, seeing his father. Aaron was downstairs, shooing away another concerned visit from Chas, and Robert hadn’t been able to stomach seeing Chas wheedle him yet again.

“I can’t go,” Robert said hollowly. “You’ve seen the state of him, he’s getting worse.”

“He can feel your presence,” Jack said. “He’ll never be able to let go of you while you’re still here, haunting his every step.”

“I’m not _haunting_ him,” Robert countered, not liking that phrase. “I’m being there for him.”

“But you’re not real any more,” Jack said bluntly. “You have to let him go, allow him to move on without you.”

“No!” Robert screamed. “I can’t, not without knowing he’s okay. I need to talk to him, is there any way I can?”

“No,” Jack said, not without sympathy. “You can’t. There is no way. Let me take you on. Who’s going to be there to meet Aaron when his time comes if you just waste away here for him? Robert, he needs you to let go of him. Let him have the chance to live a normal life.”

“But… he’s it,” Robert said. “There won’t be another one for me. Or for him, we were…” Robert gave up. He couldn’t describe it to his father how important they were to each other. He wouldn’t understand.

“Son, let him go.”

“Stop telling me what to do!” Robert shouted. “What kind of father are you? You were never there when I needed you and I don’t need you now!! Go away, leave me in peace.” Jack did vanish, and Robert heard Aaron coming up the stairs but he didn’t come into the bedroom. Curious, Robert followed him to the bathroom. Aaron stood at the sink shirtless, studying himself in the mirror critically. Robert looked at his reflection, trying to strip away the man he loved and look at his physical state. It was bad. His eyes were rimmed with red, at the same time having dark circles under them, Robert knew he wasn’t sleeping. His stubble had graduated to a full beard now, clearly not bothering to shave, and he looked thin. Very thin. How long was it now since he’d eaten a proper meal? Robert’s question was lost in Aaron’s next movements. He opened the bathroom cabinet and grabbed a razor, looking at it between his thumb and forefinger, before carefully closing the mirrored cabinet once more, still considering the weapon in his hands.

“No…” Robert whispered, struck with the horror of it. When he’d been alive, Robert had been so careful, studying Aaron’s body for more cuts and scars, but there never was any, not since the trial. Now, the critical way Aaron was looking at the blade turned Robert cold. He couldn’t do this, it was wrong. But Robert knew he got some kind of sick relief from it, a way to deal with his emotional pain the only way he knew.

It was in one moment that things happened so quickly. Aaron moved to cut his arm, and Robert stopped him. It was an instinct. Robert grabbed the razor and put it down on the edge of the sink, leaving Aaron staring at the blade which had apparently moved on its own volition. He looked up into the mirror and Robert felt it as a powerful jolt in his heart, the moment Aaron’s eyes caught his in the reflection of the glass. There was no denying their locked eyes, the intensity they always had between them. Aaron’s eyes widened with fear, obviously knowing that Robert was dead, but unable to tear his eyes off of the beautiful mirage in front of him as neither man moved, barely even breathing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments! I've spent the day writing this instead of doing my housework as a thank you! Also, I was asked to write something from Aaron's pov, so the first section is from him, though it should be clear. Enjoy!

**_Aaron._ **

He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Robert, he looked as beautiful as he remembered. Better. Once he’d got his brain in gear, Aaron turned to face him quickly. But there was nothing there in the room, no other presence there. As empty as it’d been when he’d come in the bathroom to cut. Slowly he slid his eyes back to the mirror, unsure of what he was hoping to see. Robert was still there, a frown on his forehead, concern in he gorgeous blue eyes.

“He’s dead,” Aaron told himself, closing his eyes against the pain. “Seeing hallucinations of him won’t help you, you can never get him back.” Aaron opened his eyes, seeing Robert’s reflection still there, his eyes as hurt as Aaron felt. “Go away,” he told the reflection hollowly. “You’re dead, what do you want?” The mirror version of Robert opened his mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out. Aaron felt unusually disappointed. “Of course he’s not going to say anything, he’s not here. I’m seeing people who don’t exist any more.” Robert moved and Aaron couldn’t not watch, like a disaster he couldn’t take his eyes away from. The reflection of Robert bent to Aaron’s shoulder, closing his eyes, the way he used to press gentle kisses to his skin, to breathe him in. Of course, Aaron couldn’t feel anything at all, but the movement was so achingly familiar, so very _Robert_ that Aaron felt tears at his eyes.

“Robert, what do you want?” he asked hollowly. He wondered if he could feel any worse. Robert’s eyes looked at the shower pointedly and Aaron let out a laugh. Maybe having a shower wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Or a shave. He hadn’t cleaned himself up for a while, not really had the energy to focus on it. “Yeah, fine,” Aaron said, taking a step away from the mirror to turn the water on. As soon as he did, the reflection, the image of Robert had disappeared and Aaron froze. He shouldn’t be holding onto something that didn’t exist. His mum was right, he needed to go and get some fresh air. Clear his mind of Robert. Staying around this house for too long, where they’d been so (briefly) happy was more likely to make him see hallucinations. And he’d rather try to “fix” that on his own than seek medical help, or god forbid, therapy.

When Aaron got out of the rather good hot shower, he saw words scrawled on the mirror in the condensation, in Robert’s so familiar handwriting. “Call Liv. R x” Aaron swallowed away the uncomfortable lump in his throat. He couldn’t fake Robert’s handwriting, had never had the talent to copy his ridiculous and out of character scrawling mess when Robert wrote anything at all. He’d know that handwriting everywhere. So, while wondering if he was going out of his mind, he took the silent mans advice. He’d been very neglectful of Liv lately. With a shaking hand, Aaron wiped clear the marks on the mirror, hoping it would feel like he was touching Robert. It didn’t, it just felt wet and humid. Aaron went downstairs to pick up the phone.

* * *

 

Robert looked at Aaron, almost shaking on the phone as he spoke to Liv. He’d known it wasn’t wise to leave that message for Aaron, but once the mirror started steaming up it’d been like he hadn’t been able to help himself. On the phone, Aaron was crying, while pretending he wasn’t for Liv. Robert hadn’t realised that Aaron would be able to see himself in mirrors and reflections. If he had, he’d have exploited that, anything to get Aaron to see him. He’d tried talking to him, but Aaron couldn’t hear him, as if he wasn’t speaking at all. He hadn’t yet found a way around that particular obstacle.

“You’re playing a dangerous game.” Robert ignored Aaron and Liv’s conversation for a moment, turning to his father.

“Why?” Robert asked bluntly. He didn’t want this conversation, things were going fine on his own.

“You can’t talk to him, you can’t let him know you’re here.”

“And why’s that?” Robert said stubbornly.

“Because he’ll want to join you!” Jack exploded. Robert froze. That particular option hadn’t occurred to him. Aaron wouldn’t do anything stupid, would he?

“Aaron’s not stupid,” he echoed, hoping he was right. “He’s got too much to live for.”

“With you dragging him into the past, refusing to let him go because you’re selfish,” Jack said. “You were always selfish, always me me me first. Never considered anyone else.”

“Don’t you dare!” Robert shouted. Jack’s words made him see red. How dare he think that he was still so selfish. He wasn’t nineteen any more. It was possible he’d changed, why couldn’t his stubborn father see it? “I love him more than my life, don’t you dare say this is about me being selfish.”

“Of course it is,” Jack countered. “If you were selfless, you’d leave Aaron alone, stop making him cling onto you, actually let him go, allow him to move on. But no, your ghost wants more than most real people ever do. You never change, do you Robert?

He couldn’t help it. Robert launched himself at Jack, wanting to hurt him, wanting Jack to leave him and Aaron alone, they were doing fine without his interfering. Robert pushed Jack into the bookcase, which knocked over, spilling the few books they had, and all the ornaments they kept on their bookshelves crashing to the floor. Robert looked at the devastation in horror. The framed document they kept when they bought their house, now smashed with fragments of glass over the paper. The ugly plate Liv had bought on their trip to Wales now smashed beyond repair. It was such a mess and Robert’s mouth was hanging open before he realised that, of course, Aaron would have heard that complete racket, not to mention the fragments of glass and porcelain all over the floor.

“I’ll call you back, Liv,” Aaron said firmly, disconnecting the call and dropping his phone on top of the devastation in his front room. That bookcase had been made of oak, it’d taken a good seven hours to get it in the house, Aaron cursing Robert’s taste because he’d have been happy going to ikea. There was no way that heavy bookcase had managed to fall over by itself, with no influence from anything else. Feeling incredibly stupid and a little pathetic for being so weak, he whispered “Robert?” not sure what he expected to happen.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is slowly coming to an end. Not sure how many more chapters I've got left, and I've also taken the prompt and done my own thing with it. Thank you so much to those who've let me know what they've thought of this story, it means so much! x

“I’m here,” Robert said, reaching for him, aching to hold his hand, though it had no effect on Aaron. “I’m always here for you.” Aaron looked at the wreckage shocked. No, it was more than that. Scared. No bloody wonder, bookshelves don’t spontaneously fall over. “Aaron, it’s okay,” Robert tried again. No luck. God, what Robert wouldn’t give to speak to him, just a few words! Aaron looked at the mess once more, muttered “I’m going mad here,” then quickly left the house, only pausing to grab his keys. Once he was alone, Robert tried his best to right the bookcase and put everything back. Of course, the shattered objects were irreparable.  
Robert sighed, not knowing what to do. He longed to be here for Aaron, but he was clearly upsetting him by being here in a form that Aaron couldn’t talk to, couldn’t hear him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Aaron, clearly being here was doing that. With a sigh, Robert went to the printer and grabbed some paper and a pen, wondering what to write. How could he explain this in a letter that Aaron would either take seriously, and come to the conclusion he wasn’t losing his mind? Robert sat on their sofa, doodling on the paper which wasn’t an activity he usually did. Usually he preferred it when someone simply got to the point.

Looking down after five minutes he saw the words “I miss you” in the middle of the paper, clearly legible. Then he told himself off for being soppy, screwing up the paper and throwing it to the floor, landing on top of the broken ornaments. He tried again, but all he managed to write was “Aaron.” After that he was totally stuck. He couldn’t write what he wanted to without Aaron thinking he was going mad. “This is pointless!” Robert screwed the paper up again. Maybe Jack was right, maybe he should just leave Aaron alone and move on, let Aaron go.

The door opened, Aaron coming into his house and quickly locking the door. He looked at the now righted bookcase, but still with the damage around it. Robert hadn’t cleaned up properly. Aaron bent to pick up the screwed up pieces of paper, and Robert’s heart dropped. Aaron flattened them out, reading Robert’s handwriting and he paled.

“Right,” Aaron said loudly. He left the living room and Robert was left bewildered until he returned with a mirror from Liv’s bedroom which he stood up on the kitchen table. “At the risk of completely losing my mind, are you here Robert?” Robert got up, standing behind Aaron so he could look in the mirror. They locked eyes before Aaron shook his head. “Why’re you here? What do you want? You don’t exist, Robert.” Robert opened his mouth to speak, but Aaron couldn’t hear the words. Impatiently Robert reached for the paper and a pen again, Aaron turning away from the mirror watched as the paper and pen moved back to the kitchen table on their own, paling slightly. Robert put the paper on the table and started writing.

_I couldn’t leave you._

“But you did,” Aaron said after reading the words, locking eyes with Robert in the mirror. “I saw you in the hospital after the car crash. Your body was broken, you didn’t even look vaguely like you any more.” Aaron watched the reflection as Robert bent over the piece of paper, scrawling something else quickly. He looked like Robert, the familiar concentration on his face, the frown on his forehead, but it couldn’t be. Unless Aaron wanted to start believing in ghosts and the supernatural, but he was too rational for that. Robert straightened up and Aaron read the paper.

_Dying in a car crash wasn’t in my master plan either._

Aaron’s eyes brightened, almost a smile, making Robert smile at him too. “I know I might be talking to myself here, but… I miss you, so much,” Aaron said. “I can’t do this without you, I can’t…” Robert was already writing. Aaron didn’t think he’d ever stared at a mirror so hard in his entire life.

_I miss you too. I’m here because I can’t leave you, I need to see you’re okay._

“Do I look like I’m okay?!” Aaron shouted. “I’ve barely left the house all month, I see you everywhere, it’s like I can feel you, like you’re under my skin. I can’t let go of you, you’re everywhere all the time! Just leave me alone!” Robert looked at him sadly, then stepped away from the mirror, trying to give Aaron some peace. Clearly Robert being here for Aaron wasn’t helping him.

“Robert?” Aaron questioned so quietly, voice so weak, it broke all that was left of Robert’s heart. “I didn’t mean it. Please don’t leave me.” Still Robert didn’t make himself visible to Aaron, because the younger man was right. He needed to let go. Instead, Robert wrote a last note, pushing it across the floor. The moving paper caught Aaron’s attention and he snatched at it.

_Go out with Vic and Adam. Have a fun night. x_

Robert rarely left kisses at the end of his texts so Aaron frowned at it. Then he nodded as if coming to a decision. “You’re right.” He picked up his phone, calling Adam to make arrangements, which achieved the goal Robert wanted. He wanted the house to himself so he could formulate a letter, a letter that would tell Aaron all the things he hadn’t had the time for, things he thought he had all the time in the world to say. And that was going to take several hours at the very least.


	6. Chapter 6

  
_Aaron._

_This is a conversation I never thought we’d have. And if we did, I really thought it wasn’t going to be this one sided. But here goes nothing anyway. I love you. I’ve loved you for years, and I always will. I know you feel the same for me, you don’t have to worry that I didn’t know. I can see it tearing you up inside that you didn’t tell me you loved me, but Aaron, I never needed to hear it. I knew, I always knew._

_I want you, in time, to move on and be happy. You’re too young, too amazing to waste your life pining after me. A man who, lets face it, probably never deserved you in the first place. I want you to have an amazing, full, happy life, and I hate that I can’t be by your side through that. I wanted to be, but fate was too cruel._

_Something I wanted to tell you, though, and I want you to actually listen to me, not go off on your own thinking you know best as usual. Let Liv back in. None of this is her fault, stop pushing her away. She’s an annoying pain in the arse, but you need her. I know I’m torturing you by being here, staying so near you, and I love you too much to put you through that pain. So, I will leave you in peace, let you heal and move on. I can see how much my presence is tearing you apart and I don’t want that for you. You’ve been through far too much in your life anyway, I don’t want to ever make it any worse._

_I’ll go, I’ll leave you, but my heart will always be with you. Okay, looking at that written down on the paper makes it seem wrong and overly emotional, I should scrub it out. But I won’t. If it gives you any comfort at all, I want you to know a part of me will be with you, always. Just not in quite this… agonising way. It was wrong of me to stay, to check you were okay. I should know you better, you’re such a strong person, you’ve carried more than anyone should ever have to. I should have trusted you, that you could move on without me. Not haunted you the way I have, because I selfishly hadn’t had enough. I wanted more of you, to see more of you, but I realise now I can’t. If I stay here, I’ll never see you laugh again. I’ll never see you live, I'll see you curl up and give in, and that would be such an awful shame._

_Tomorrow I’m going to move on, though I don’t really know what that would mean. I liked this life, I was good at it. I could manipulate and work my way through it, getting exactly what I wanted. You were the only one it didn’t work on, and I’m a little scared at what’s coming next. Dying doesn’t hurt. Don’t be frightened when your time comes, I can barely remember the car crash. I didn’t even feel it. If you want to talk to me before I go, use the mirror trick. I’ll be watching. If you don’t, that’s okay too. Whatever you need, whatever helps you._

_I love you. You were always mine, and you made me happy. Please remember that. All my love, Robert._

It had taken a lot of drafts, and a long time to come up with that final edit of his last words to Aaron. Robert collected the discarded papers and burnt them. It wasn’t a perfect letter, but it was the best way he had of expressing himself, and he would leave it at that. He didn’t want Aaron to find any of his poorer attempts. Robert folded the letter and carefully put it in the envelope, Aaron’s name carefully written on the front. Robert put it on his bedside table and waited. He’d chosen to call for Jack tomorrow, that would give Aaron enough time to sober up from Vic and Adam’s night out. He’d wait until Aaron read it, leaving the last contact up to him. If Aaron only wanted the letter, that would have to be enough. Robert could live (or as the case may be, die) with that. Letting Aaron go was quite possibly the most selfless thing he’d done in his life. And now it would be the very last thing he’d ever do. “Ending on a good note, eh?” he said to himself, sitting down on the sofa, waiting.

“You ready yet?” Jack asked. Robert shook his head. “You can’t put it off forever, son.”

“I’m not,” Robert said. “I’m putting it off until tomorrow. I’ve said goodbye to him. He needs the chance to say goodbye to me. Then I’ll let go.” Maybe Jack could sense the sincerity in his words, because he didn’t push. Just clapped him on the shoulder familiarly as they sat in Robert’s, now Aaron’s house. Waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a short chapter, but the next (and last?) chapter is from Aaron's pov, so I needed to end it there. Thank you for reading this far! x


	7. Aaron

I remember the time I found that letter waiting for me on my bedside table. 7:09 in the morning. Even with the alcohol I hadn’t been able to sleep well, missing him, aching for him far too much. If I’d told anyone that Robert was communicating with me from beyond the grave, they’d have called me mad. Booked me in for therapy at the very least. I considered it myself, but the difference is, I knew he was. I could feel him in the house, which sounds wrong and too psychic for my tastes. I should have been more surprised than I was when I first saw him in the bathroom mirror.

I read the letter he left for me, and even though it was emotional, it sounded like Robert. I couldn’t have invented that, and copied his handwriting which I know is what Liv thinks I did, unhinged by grief. She’s not read it, no one’s read it except me. It’s private and it will always stay that way.

I read it twice, allowing my thumb to gently stroke the words he’d written before I made up my mind. It wasn’t really a choice for me. If I had the option, I had to see him. I went in front of the bathroom mirror, still feeling a little stupid when I called his name. But he appeared in the reflection almost instantly, as if his… ghost had been listening out for it. I’ve never heard him speak, and he didn’t then, but I could read him well enough to lip read “I’m here.”

“Are you leaving?” Robert looked at me in the mirror, then slowly nodded. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that, I needed him gone, his presence was completely suffocating but the joy I felt in seeing his face whenever I wanted was so strong. It was hard to willingly let go of it. “I found your letter,” I told him, not knowing what else to say. I couldn’t feel him, but could see him putting a hand on my waist, as if keeping me close. I watched Robert in the mirror closing his eyes, almost burying his face in my neck, as if trying to commit me to memory, remember how I felt. I dearly wished I could have touched him then, I would have given anything for that one small thing.

“I love you.” Robert’s eyes lightened but he was filled with an unbearable sadness that it almost hurt to look at him. “I do love you so much, and I’m so sorry. I should have driven Liv to school. I should have been the one who…” Robert shook his head, contradicting me. “It’s okay,” I told him. “I know you have to go. So leave me.” Robert was almost boring holes into the mirror with the intensity he was staring at it. Robert moved quickly, turning to kiss me. I couldn’t see him, and I knew I shouldn’t be able to feel him, but for a brief moment when I closed my eyes, it was almost like I did. A cool feather touch against my own lips. If I ever told anyone, they’d think I was mad, but I knew it'd been there, I felt it. “Go.” Robert nodded, closing his eyes as if in pain. He stepped away from the mirror and I closed my eyes, counting in my head. It took ninety four seconds before I felt him leave. For the first time since the funeral, I actually felt like I could breathe in deeply. The heavy darkness had faded, released its rigid unrelenting hold on me. 

I mean, I’m still grieving. Robert’s spirit, or whatever it was leaving me didn’t change that, it never could. It was a very long time before I could even look at someone else, even with Robert’s permission in that letter. It didn’t make it any easier, not really, because every man I met I started comparing to him. Until one day, a couple of years on, Liv told me that if I wanted Robert so much, I should camp up at the cemetery. I hated to admit my little sister was right about anything, but in this I think she might have had a small point. I never forgot him, I’d never have been able to. And I never met anyone as special as him either. 

When my time came many years later, I found that Robert was right. Dying didn’t hurt. When I woke up in a hospital, Robert was perched on the edge of my bed, that usual smirk on his face I’d missed so much. He looked younger than I remembered in the intervening years. He must have been about as young as he was when I first met him. I briefly wondered if I looked as young as I’d been back then, but I couldn’t stop staring at him. I’d hoped that one day I’d see him again, when it came to my end. I’m so pleased I was right.

“You look as good as I remember.” Not the first words I’d have chosen, but I couldn’t take them back now.

“No, better,” Robert said with a wide grin. A grin that faded into sincerity. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I know,” I told him, getting out of bed. After so long, after so many years I finally got to hold the man I love yet again. I buried myself into his chest, feeling him strong and warm under me, so beautifully real. He even smelled the same, how was that possible that I’d still remember his scent after so long? I thought I’d forgotten. We still had that height difference and Robert dipped to kiss me, deeply, passionately.

“I’ve been waiting a very long time to do that,” Robert said, before pressing his lips to mine once more, the desperation fading slightly.

“What now?” I asked.

“Now, we move on,” Robert said. “Ready?” I grinned at him, holding his hand as he took me to whatever we had to face next. Together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your encouragement on this story. Hope you liked the ending!


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